hot mess burger

yes please. jack in the box

what's for lunch in memphis?

a "mr. good burger" from roxie's grocery. 

it's two hand formed patties with american and hoop cheeses, four slices of deep fried bacon, lettuce, lettuce, tomato, a ton of grilled onions, pickles, mayo, and mustard on a buttered bun.

 here it is pictured (credit ilm) as a combo with fries, but you aren't going to want those.

it feels like a heart attack in your hands.

titans in the onion

Obama, Tennessee Titans Have No Clue Why Team Invited To White House

WASHINGTON—As cameras snapped and members of the press looked on, neither President Obama nor members of the Tennessee Titans were able to provide any indication as to why the professional football team might have been invited to visit the White House Tuesday. "We are honored to have this team here today," said Obama, who paused to confer privately with an aide after appearing confused by the appearance in the Oval Office of the NFL's 27th-ranked team. "It's good to see you. God bless America." Following the exchange, the befuddled Titans handed the president a jersey, posed for more pictures, and flew back to Nashville in confused silence. (via)

ctm.

NSFW

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

but hilarious nonetheless. thx hannah!

ctmol.

here's an excerpt from this funny onion piece starla sent me:

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realizing it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

By 5:15 p.m. there was gridlock traffic on the outbound sides of the Holland and Lincoln tunnels, and the area's three major airports were flooded with New Yorkers, all of whom said they wanted to go anyplace where the pressure of 20 million tons of concrete wasn't constantly suffocating them. (via)

you're gonna want to read the whole thing. it's pretty much dead-on.

mr. j. r. smithington higgins III

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

all you can eat penguin

thx heather!

i don't want to look like a cock magnet

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

ctm.

CONCORD, NH—Banjo, a local border collie mix and loyal human companion, was utterly humiliated Tuesday, when his owner, 34-year-old Michael Ingram, loudly scolded the dog right in the middle of Cold Brook Park.

"Down, boy, down! What did I tell you about barking at those birds?" yelled Ingram, the dog's supposed best friend, right in front of several other dogs, many of whom Banjo knew. "Look at me, Banjo. No more of that, okay? Just knock it off."

The mortifying scene, which included several heated utterances of "bad dog" and "very bad dog," as well as an extremely uncomfortable moment in which Ingram ordered the already self-conscious border collie to sit, lasted nearly 20 seconds. (the onion)

thx fitzy!