"the iowa incident"

in the recent NYC VOLumni football email, the event organizer signed off with the following tidbit that piqued my curiosity:

"And a note on the 'Iowa incident' - I've addressed this with the Iowa alumni group and I ask that you not retaliate in any way and bring embarrassment upon UT or yourself. Thanks."

I did some private investigation and got the scoop on what went down during last week's game.

As you well know, the University of Iowa alumni bar is across the street from Traffic, and they suffered an embarrassing and soul crushing loss in overtime to in state rival Iowa State.

A couple of hawkeyes (thats what theyre called) ambled over to the UT bar and after a while they started feeling froggy. From the second story, they cut down the bright orange UT flags that hang from the railing, and then got in a screaming match with some Vols nearby that happened to witness their actions. Luckily there were some Vol fans outside the bar who were there with open arms to catch the flag and keep it from touching the ground. The bartenders and owner of Traffic stepped in and told the Iowa jerks that they needed to leave because their only escape was through a crowded bar full of Volunteers who were now chanting "assholes" at them. As they were being escorted from the premises, one of the future farmers of america pulled a knife and stabbed inflatable smokey in the chest! They were chased across the street and never heard from again.

Reached for comment, Iowa alum David Fulco offered, "America needs farmers."

That may be true, but America does NOT need douchebags! (we've got enough of those in new jersey).

A reliable source has informed me that traffic is going to be poppin' off this weekend for the Florida game, and that despite all warnings, revenge may or may not (but probably not) be served...

Stay tuned.

trendspotting : throat-slashing!

you might recall joel's little internet rule of three, wherein he sees something on the internet three times, and assigns some kind of arbitrary and excessive significance to it. well, he's not the only one with an eye out for today's hottest trends. i'm here to tell you about a little observation i've made, involving the latest fashion in rage: throat-slashing.

allow me to illustrate:

first, this white guy slashed his cab driver's throat just because he said he was a muslim! theeeeeenn, this guy slashed his college's dean's throat, just because he was possessed by satan! and last night, a diplomat was found on the floor of his apartment in the bronx, dead from a throat-slashing, just for being a nicaraguan!

point is, if you have any hope of earning the approval of your peers this fall, head on out and pick up the season's must-have accessories: a sharp knife and a short fuse.

volunteers summer ketchup

I know I've dropped the ball on my University of Tennessee Football news responsibilities as of late, so I'm going to take the time to fill y'all in, jicydk what has gone down recently.

Derek Dooley became the new head football coach back last winter when Lane Kiffin left. Kiffin went to USC after Pete Carroll got the hell out of dodge because he saw what was coming. USC got the smack down from the NCAA, their AD got fired, and Lane Kiffin continued to be a douche. He's being sued by the other greatest football team in the world, the Tennessee Titans, and he's continuing to run his mouth about how he didn't do anything wrong and folks are just out to get him, and that he's willing to cheat to win.

Ayres Hall got a clock for the first time ever. Now we'll know for sure when it's football time in Tennessee.

A bunch of UT players went to a classy establishment and beat up an off duty police officer. I've never been in this bar. Kylie went there once in college when it had a different name. She went to see Vaniller Ass, but he wouldn't perform because there weren't enough people that had gotten wasted enough to spend money to see him perform. Kylie was in rare form that night though, and by rare, I mean how she usually was on Thursday nights in college, so she was there. Shit-faced. Anyways, some of them got in trouble, and no surprise, a couple of them were from Memphis.

They'd've behaved if the Salt-n-Pepa haired cop from that Memphis lady cops show was there (third one down icydk).

Bryce Brown Bear came to town to ask for a release, but he didn't ask for it face to face with Dooley, opting for the traditional text message to the coach instead. He didn't get the release.

Two of those guys from Bar Knoxville got reinstated. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I'm going to defer to Dooley because I still think he is well intentioned and intelligent. Hopefully he want get more Lane Kiffiny than this.

Basil Marceaux gained a huge number of votes by wearing an awesome tie on Jimmy Kimmel.

We added more brick to Neyland in the off season. I can't say I'm a fan but it looks okayish. There will also be a new stepped amphitheater next to Alumni Memorial, and a fancy new plaza. I guess less asphalt is always a good thing, and it should be a great place to watch the band play Rocky Top on their march into the stadium.

who hasn't been here? am i right? yeah, i am.