Raccoon Edition: How can I prevent infection in myself, my children, or my neighbors?

Hey y'alls. It’s been a while since we spoke directly, but I'm back--and it's not with good news. I've come out of retirement to warn you about RACCOON SWINE. Well, that's kind of a misnomer. It's actually called raccoon roundworm, or Baylisascaris infection, and it is very, very dangerous.
It’s a sick-o sickness and it can be transmitted through a variety of respectful ways, exclusively by raccoon feces. According to the CDC, or Criminally Damaged Communicators, raccoon roundworm, “develops to maturity in the raccoon intestine, where they produce millions of eggs that are passed in the feces. Released eggs take 2-4 weeks to become infective to other animals and humans. The eggs are resistant to most environmental conditions and with adequate moisture, can survive for years.”

One interesting thing you might not know about how raccoon poop is that raccoons especially enjoy establishing “community sites where they repeatedly deposit fresh feces,” commonly referred as latrines. Prime locales include “roofs, decks, unsealed attics, haylofts, forks of trees, fence lines, woodpiles, fallen logs and large rocks.” So, you know, the outside or inside of where you live. Especially telling about these latrines is the color of the feces, which indicates the freshness. “Fresh raccoon feces are dark and moist while old feces may look like dried leaves or debris.”

So the best way to avoid it is to stay away from the raccoon feces you’ve been collecting all these years, avoid the outdoors or ‘their’ habitats, and don’t put your fingers in your mouth.

But enough about that, what does it DO to you? Have you ever felt….unclean? Symptoms include nausea, tiredness, liver enlargement, loss or coordination, disorientation, loss of muscle control, coma, and bLiNdNeSs. Which is the really sad part, because there is now one Brooklyn teenager who can’t see in one eye and a brain-damaged infant. Booo.

Symptoms may take a week or so to develop so start freaking out now.