where do i even begin?

last night, after a supremely disappointing follow-up to the kelly-vs-bethenny episode of real housewives of nyc, bravo aired a special 30-minute preview of their newest edition of the franchise, real housewives of NeW jErSeY! if you missed it, you should totes check it out.

first things first. i have to address this logo. as you may remember, the other versions of this show have title graphics that involve the housewives all holding an iconic product of their region: an orange, a big apple, a georgia peach.
now, we all know the old saying: "nothing good has ever come out of new jersey." well, that sentiment has been reinforced by the inability of the creative minds at bravo to represent the state with anything other than the STATE ITSELF.
that being said, i'd like to take a few moments to introduce you to the new housewives (disclaimer: i have no idea how to type in a jersey accent, so read all quotes knowing that they were barely intelligible and often required rewinding two or three times.):

from left to right : teresa, jacqueline, dina, danielle, and caroline

in the event that this photo doesn't tell you everything you need to know, let's get started. the first thing that struck me upon introduction to this dynamic group of ladies is that they all seem to be intertwined into one large extended family. a family that sticks together, defends each other against all odds, and discourages outreach or the welcoming of outsiders. i dont want to use the term 'mafia', but i mean.

first up, the two sisters, dina + caroline:
they are married to 2 brothers. dina is an interior designer / event planner, has a ridiculous teenage daughter with a 'tude, and her husband never seems to be around. again, i dont want to say 'mafia'...but i mean. caroline is dina's much older sister, and she is quickly shaping up to be my favorite. her husband owns a catering event space that reminded me of this. she says things like "this family...is as thick as theives." and "i'm looking forward to having an attorney in the family...", with regard to her son going to college.

next, the sister-in-law, jacqueline:
she recently married the brother of dina and caroline, and seems to be spending her every waking moment meekly attempting to win their approval. she's not from new jersey, and claims to be 'one of those people who always thought of new jersey as the armpit of america." she seems innocent and sweet, but i get the impression she's going to be making some waves in no time.

born-and-raised in jersey teresa:
this b looks like troubs. she wants to get some new 'bubbies', despite her 'gorgeous, built, beautiful' husband being an 'ass man'. she has 3 daughters that she prefers dress in matching clothes. but, whats most important is that in the season preview reel, we see her shouting at the 'family' and she proceeds to strip-and-flip a table. can. not. wait!

and lastly, quiet-but-clearly-insane danielle:
she's recently divorced, cant get her ex-husband to pay the settlement, so she calls and begs him every so often, despite knowing that he 'likes it'. she has a gym and tanning bed in her house, and likes to make her daughters run with her. in one scene, she is preparing for a date with a guy from the internet, a self-proclaimed 'gucci model' ten years younger than she is, with whom she has already engaged in phone-sex and described the experience as '.....wow.'

well that's all for now. i hope everyone is excited for the latest stop on the crazy-rich-women-across-america-express. this mess premieres on may 12th. we'll talk more then!