gchatz w/ john

John: so weird
i just got a message from you that says "bye!"
and it's time stamped 5:41 pm
i assume that was from you yesterday
a message from the past!
me: maybe it was from the future
John: i hope so
me: its from beyond the grave
John: it's like a message in a bottle
me: its from 5.41pm on the day i die
John: that's sweet
wish there was a date
so you could prepare
me: i know what it is. but ill never tell you
John: the date you'll die on?
me: i will say that its after you
but i also know that we will have gchat in the afterlife
John: i'm not so sure of that
me: i'm saying bye because ill be on my way to heaven
and you're somewhere else
John: what if you go at my doing?
me: you actually die while attempting to murder me
John: that would explain why i'm somewhere else
this is so complicated
me: thats how i know i outlive you
John: your death is too complicated
me: i've seen it
in a beautiful nightmare
your death is VERY simple
John: explain
i would like to keep my death simple
i prefer the term "understated"
me: if you can describe bleeding to death from a slit throat as understated, then yes
John: that doesn't seem simple at all
it seems long!
me: simple for me
of course, it can all be avoided
if you never cross me
you wont get your throat slit
John: well then, when i come to kill you i know to wear a protective collar
and you know i love an accessory
gonna stock up on chain-mail collars
me: i'm going to slit your other throat
iykwim
John: i can wear protection down there too
all my arteries will be protected when i decide to do you in
me: i'm going to give you a new smile. down there.
John: now you've lost me
you're going to give me a colombian necktie on my dick?
me: just keep your hands off me and you'll be fine
John: but i'm going to wear all sorts of protection, so i'll be fine regardless of what i do

courtney love is good at guitar. also singing.

the story goes that a sound engineer isolated her guitar and vocals and uploaded this because he didn't get paid. reminds me of.

everyone get ready.

Occupy's website calls for a 7 a.m. meeting at Zuccotti Park, where protesters will try to "shut down Wall Street" by "confront[ing] Wall Street with the stories of people on the frontlines of economic injustice," the idea being to "exchange stories rather than stocks." Then they're going to spread out to 16 different subway stations throughout the five boroughs and do more storytelling there through general assemblies at the stations. Finally, the plan is to assemble in the evening at Foley Square and march to "our bridges" (which ones are not specified, but the closest is the Brooklyn Bridge). (via)

bonus link:
download the poster

"the iowa incident"

in the recent NYC VOLumni football email, the event organizer signed off with the following tidbit that piqued my curiosity:

"And a note on the 'Iowa incident' - I've addressed this with the Iowa alumni group and I ask that you not retaliate in any way and bring embarrassment upon UT or yourself. Thanks."

I did some private investigation and got the scoop on what went down during last week's game.

As you well know, the University of Iowa alumni bar is across the street from Traffic, and they suffered an embarrassing and soul crushing loss in overtime to in state rival Iowa State.

A couple of hawkeyes (thats what theyre called) ambled over to the UT bar and after a while they started feeling froggy. From the second story, they cut down the bright orange UT flags that hang from the railing, and then got in a screaming match with some Vols nearby that happened to witness their actions. Luckily there were some Vol fans outside the bar who were there with open arms to catch the flag and keep it from touching the ground. The bartenders and owner of Traffic stepped in and told the Iowa jerks that they needed to leave because their only escape was through a crowded bar full of Volunteers who were now chanting "assholes" at them. As they were being escorted from the premises, one of the future farmers of america pulled a knife and stabbed inflatable smokey in the chest! They were chased across the street and never heard from again.

Reached for comment, Iowa alum David Fulco offered, "America needs farmers."

That may be true, but America does NOT need douchebags! (we've got enough of those in new jersey).

A reliable source has informed me that traffic is going to be poppin' off this weekend for the Florida game, and that despite all warnings, revenge may or may not (but probably not) be served...

Stay tuned.

comeuppance

asshole gets called out for asinine comments.

a story from my real life

preface:

i work in an 2-floor office of about 40 people. on the second floor, there are a total of three women, myself included. we share one two-stall bathroom, so the bathroom is uninhabited about 90% of the day, if not more. on a related note, my company just spent a significant amount of time and money to install solar panels on our roof, which provide more than enough energy needed to power our office, and we sell the extra back to the local utilities board.

i've been working here for over a year now, and i noticed when i started that the bathroom light was always left on. given the solar panels, my big-city-liberal sensibilities, and innate common sense, i make an effort to turn the light off when i leave the bathroom. it's never caught on, but i still do it.

this afternoon, i was leaving the bathroom when i found the note pictured above next to the light switch. first thing i did was check out the desk of my work nemesis, who i like to call "rupal's drag race". she is a bossy terror, but ultimately lacks grace with her attempts at anonymity. hot pink post-its everywhere.

i'm beside myself about this whole situation, which i find to be complete and utter nonsense. my need to defy her request has monopolized my thoughts for the last hour, and i'm just unsure how to gauge the value of revenge / winning versus the risks involved with workplace passive-aggressiveness.

at any rate, john and i have brainstormed some pretty epic responses, which i'm sure everyone can enjoy:

john: next time you see her go in
wait till she's got her panties around her ankles, and then turn off the light


me: should i leave a hot pink post-it on her computer
"please turn your mouth off when you're done ruining the environment. thank you."


john: take her note, and wipe your ass with it, and leave THAT on her desk
that'll teach her
me: thats the best idea yet


me: i thought about putting her note in the toilet and forgetting to flush
so she could find it

john: scrawl BITCH on the note
me: in menstrual blood
and i'll put in parentheses "that's from my uterus"

john: i say, turn off the light, and wipe turd on the light switch. then just sit back and wait for her to get your poo on her hands
me: its officially giggles o clock

john: no, write, "go back to where you came from!"
it's time you resort to plain ol' fashioned racism


what do YOU guys think i should do?!

"guess he can sit on his new girlfriend's couch."

this crazy lady in nashville is selling all her boyfriend's (or her?) shit on craigslist, including a couch with "reclining foot rests all the way across", because she found his match.com profile. ctm.

thx melissa!