preach.

How 1 of my students (2nd grade) felt about the @Vol_Football game Thursday. 😂 She ended it with.... "Go Vols." 🍊 pic.twitter.com/GfPBslqtSO

— Emily Thomas (@emilyETthomas) September 6, 2016

gchatz w/ john

John: so weird
i just got a message from you that says "bye!"
and it's time stamped 5:41 pm
i assume that was from you yesterday
a message from the past!
me: maybe it was from the future
John: i hope so
me: its from beyond the grave
John: it's like a message in a bottle
me: its from 5.41pm on the day i die
John: that's sweet
wish there was a date
so you could prepare
me: i know what it is. but ill never tell you
John: the date you'll die on?
me: i will say that its after you
but i also know that we will have gchat in the afterlife
John: i'm not so sure of that
me: i'm saying bye because ill be on my way to heaven
and you're somewhere else
John: what if you go at my doing?
me: you actually die while attempting to murder me
John: that would explain why i'm somewhere else
this is so complicated
me: thats how i know i outlive you
John: your death is too complicated
me: i've seen it
in a beautiful nightmare
your death is VERY simple
John: explain
i would like to keep my death simple
i prefer the term "understated"
me: if you can describe bleeding to death from a slit throat as understated, then yes
John: that doesn't seem simple at all
it seems long!
me: simple for me
of course, it can all be avoided
if you never cross me
you wont get your throat slit
John: well then, when i come to kill you i know to wear a protective collar
and you know i love an accessory
gonna stock up on chain-mail collars
me: i'm going to slit your other throat
iykwim
John: i can wear protection down there too
all my arteries will be protected when i decide to do you in
me: i'm going to give you a new smile. down there.
John: now you've lost me
you're going to give me a colombian necktie on my dick?
me: just keep your hands off me and you'll be fine
John: but i'm going to wear all sorts of protection, so i'll be fine regardless of what i do

cecile richards is a goddamn SAINT.

she endured a 5-hour congressional hearing yesterday where republicans acted like complete. dyicks.


this dyick trotted out a graph with no Y-axis. #checkyasource


i also had no idea she was ann richards' daughter!

take a few moments to watch this nightmare unfold.

here's what each of the GOP debate participants said when asked what woman should appear on the $10 bill. (hint: not one said whitney houston...)

Rand Paul: Susan B. Anthony

Mike Huckabee: “MY WIFE”

Marco Rubio: Rosa Parks

Ted Cruz: Rosa Parks (with Hamilton on the $10 and Jackson on the $20 bill replaced instead)

Ben Carson: “MY MOM”

Donald Trump: “MY DAUGHTER—OR ROSA PARKS”

Jeb Bush: Margaret Thatcher

Scott Walker: Clara Barton

Carly Fiorina: N/A YOU IDIOTS

John Kasich: Mother Teresa

Chris Christie: Abigail Adams

ravioli vs lava

i used to have nightmares about lava.

something new to worry about.

loose octopuses.


is that a sally lightfoot?

here's an octopus long read about how they are too smart for their own good.

king of the shrimps!

look at this disgusting thing a fisherman pulled out of the ocean in florida.

if you enjoy sleeping soundly at night without nightmares, don't listen to @netflix

Before he acts out your fantasies, watch him become your nightmare. #FiftyShades' Jamie Dornan stars in The Fall pic.twitter.com/DN4yMlXr7r

— Netflix US (@netflix) July 24, 2014

and while we're discussing things you should and should not read:

i know it seems like something you should avoid, and i did avoid it for a couple of days, but my morbid curiosity won out in the end, and i read the nymag "my abortion" feature. i have to say it was quite illuminating and moving at times and only contained a couple of medical nightmares, so i encourage you, especially, to check it out.

BUT.

whatever you do, do NOT read this new yorker piece about a woman who had a late-term miscarriage while traveling in mongolia. do. NOT. i haven't been able to close my eyes all week.

cicada nightmare

thx flim

HFS!

want to see that bagram airfield crash?!?!

We still don't know much about the seven people who died when a cargo plane crashed Monday at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan, but dashboard camera footage surfaced Tuesday morning on the website LiveLeak — and it provides more answers than you may even feel comfortable watching. (via)

you don't. but you do. just watch it. the comments on the article are morbidly fascinating.

did you guys see what happened to thomas wilhelm last night?

A 100-foot wide sinkhole opened up directly under a house in the town of Seffner, Florida, last night, nearly killing two brothers and forcing authorities to evacuate the entire neighborhood. One of the brothers, a 36-year-old man, is missing and presumed dead, but firefighters have been unable to fully investigate because the house itself is deemed too unsafe to be inside. The hole underneath the house is estimated to be more than 100 feet wide, but it is not visible from outside the house.

The other brother told rescuers that he heard screams coming from his brother's bedroom around 11:00 p.m. last night, but by the time he got to the room, the bed and everything in it had been swallowed up by the ground caving in beneath it. (via)

this has 2ooPz written all over it.

(via)

a subway NIGHTMARE in DC

featuring: darkness, underground spaces, hot breath, pee smells, vomit, screaming, police, firemen, possibility of death, standing for long time

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE SUBWAY HOME. click here.

the strongly worded email i sent united airlines last night while waiting for my ride to new jersey that nearly resulted in my own death

Dear United,

I'm writing from ATL while waiting for my replacement flight after a second cancellation during my brief holiday travels. Im not quite finished with what could quite possibly be the worst air travel experience I've had. hopefully i'll make it back this evening, and in the meantime, I want to do my part as a customer to let you know of several failures in your company's efforts to provide acceptable service. FYI : my confirmation is c2cjb4. (I know it by heart at this point.)

my ordeal began Friday morning (dec 21), when I arrived at the office with bags packed to leave that afternoon from EWR to BNA at 3:30pm. at 9:30am, I received an email alerting me that my flight was cancelled. I had not been automatically rebooked, so I got on the phone.

after a 30 minute wait, I spoke with someone who told me there were no flights on united but she was checking other airlines. she asked me to hold while she called us airways to confirm a seat on a similar flight from LGA. while waiting, I was disconnected. no one called me back, so I called again.

this time I was on hold for 45 minutes (precious time on days with lots of cancellations) I explained to the new representative what had happened, and she said that us airways flight was no longer an option. she looked for a flight for me and was unable to find anything until the next afternoon, not direct, and arriving at 11pm the next evening (dec 22).

now's a good time to mention that December 22 marked my 30th birthday, and my family had planned an event for me beginning a 8pm. this late arrival would mean I would miss this event, and was unacceptable to me.

when i expressed this I was told there was nothing that could be done, and no ways to get me in any earlier. the demeanor of this representative took a dark turn at this point as well, and I was told tersely that if she had something else, she would help me. I hung up very upset and distressed.

after some thought, I decided that if i wasn't going anywhere for more than 24 hours, I might as well look into taking a train to Philly and leaving from there, so I called back. this time (45 minute hold time) i asked the new representative to look into flights from PHL, and she replied with "how about JFK tonight?" I was so happy and also confused to learn that there were still flights from NYC. she put me on hold for 20 minutes. when she came back she said that in fact there were no flights from JFK that day, but she had something the next day. after another long hold, she came back and said that was unavailable as well. then she asked if I would mind going from LGA to BOS to IAD to BNA the next morning and getting in at 1pm. I told her I'd take that and she put me on hold to confirm. 20 minutes later, she came back to tell me that this was "invalid routing" and that wouldn't be an option either.

I also asked if I could get to ATL and MEM as options, to which I was also told there were no flights available. so she finally looked into PHL and told me the only option was to fly there that night, spend the night, and leave on a 6am flight in the morning through IAD then on to BNA. I asked if united was willing offer me a hotel voucher, and I was told no.

I took this itinerary and booked a hotel room in Philadelphia at my own expense of $115.

the first leg of this itinerary was with US airways, and after receiving my new e ticket from the United rep, I went online to check in. I received an error saying this wasn't available and to call US air. I did so (got through with no hold) and was told I needed to call united because the status of my ticket was incorrect.

I called united back (30 minute wait) and asked what was going on, and the rep out me on hold while she confirmed my status on each leg on my trip. this took 30 minutes, at the end of which I was told that I was indeed confirmed on the us airways flight, as well as the others. I was glad I had followed up.

so I set off for the airport. I got to LGA and was unable to print my ticket at the kiosk, so got in line (for 20 minutes). when I got to the counter, the us airways rep told me that while I was once confirmed on the PHL flight, I had been taken off the reservation by United. at this point, nothing surprised me, but I felt totally helpless. no matter how much effort and follow up I was willing to put in as a customer, United was failing at every turn.

the us airways rep ended up finding me a seat on another PHL flight which hadn't left yet, and I was able to reach my destination due to her helpfulness alone.

I spent a short 5 hours getting sleep in my hotel, and returned for the 6am flight to IAD. this one went off without a hitch, until it was time to land. we were forced to perform a "go around" which had us landing about 40 minutes late and I barely made my connection. however I made it to Nashville that morning.

I got started enjoying my holiday almost a full day later than planned.

today, I was scheduled to fly out of ATL to Cleveland and then to LGA, arriving around 7pm. last night I received an email that my CLE to LGA leg was cancelled due to weather. again, no automatic rebooking, so I called and luckily got through fairly quickly this time. the rep on this call was very helpful and rebooked me on a direct flight, however this was to EWR instead of LGA. I took this flight, as it was direct, and I no longer trusted that any of United's flights were going to end up with me where I was supposed to be.

now, I'm at the airport in Atlanta. I arrived early because I had coordinated transportation with my mother who was flying out at the same time, but my new flight leaves 3.5 hours after hers. I went to my assigned gate and saw that a flight to EWR scheduled for the morning was heavily delayed, and leaving shortly. I went to the desk and inquired about getting on this earlier flight (3831), explaining that my initial flight had been cancelled and an earlier flight would be much more convenient. the rep at the desk reluctantly agreed to take a look, and then told me she could put me on standby, for a charge of $75. I refused.

the flight I'm currently booked on is already delayed 25 minutes, hours in advance, and I'm crossing my fingers that I make it home tonight.

I cannot express the disappointment and inconvenience I've endured throughout what was my first time flying with United. I went from having a direct afternoon flight to a 2-day, 3-leg trip which included a hotel stay at my own expense. I missed out on almost a day with my family at the holidays due to the inability of your airline to assist me adequately when my flight was cancelled. and now on my return trip, I'm arriving late, and into a different airport (EWR) from which it is exceedingly more difficult for me to get home to Brooklyn than my original destination of LGA, which is a short, inexpensive cab ride. the ride from EWR will cost me around $60.

I paid over $500 for this reservation, and at no point did United fulfill their end of the transaction. in addition, your airline was unwilling to ease my burden by picking up a hotel tab which equalled a fraction of the cost of my ticket. I'm asking for compensation now, without which I can not ever envision myself booking travel with United again. A full refund or voucher for future travel would go a long way in improving my opinion of your airline moving forward.

On a positive note, I would like to compliment United's iPhone app. it is incredibly useful, and did its part in keeping me updated and informed (though it was almost always bad news...).

thank you for taking the time to address my experience / issues, and please let me know if I can offer any further information.

Respectfully,
Kylie Kaiser

halloween came early this year.

i'm sure y'all have heard:

Parents everywhere are rattled and horrified by the story of a Manhattan mother who came home to find two of her children murdered by their nanny, who had also tried to kill herself. Police say that the nanny stabbed the two children, aged 2 and 6, in the bathtub and then apparently slit her own throat. The mother, Marina Krim, had briefly left their Upper West Side apartment with a third child, but came home later to find the terrible scene. Her husband, an executive at CNBC, was on a business trip and was met at the airport by NYPD officers who informed him of the tragedy. The nanny, 50-year-old Yoselyn Ortega, survived, but is in critical condition and police say they have no hints as to her motive. (via)

what a nightmare.

dream or nightmare?

dream or nightmare?

thomas wilhelm's worst nightmare

october 14th, y'all.

just a spider swarm. nbd.

According to locals, the initial swarm hit on May 8th during a cultural celebration. The Times of India reports that chaos erupted as attendees trampled over each other in an effort to escape the massive cluster of spiders that had appeared out of nowhere.

Sadly, the incident was not an isolated one. Since that day, dozens of people have reported being bitten by spiders, and at least two people have died. Residents across the district have been asked to remain inside at night, when the spiders are known to emerge from their hiding places.

Scientists sent to the area to study the arachnids have thus far been unable to determine their species or place of origin. "As of now, we cannot give a specific name. It's similar to the tarantula, but it could be a whole new species," said Dr. L. R. Saikia of the Life Sciences department at Dibrugarh University.

"Whatever the species, it is a highly aggressive spider. It leaps at anything that comes close. Some of the victims claimed the spider latched onto them after biting."  (via)

GULP.